Maybe You Should Slow Down

A few weeks ago, I was running several minutes late after squeezing in an appointment before work. I came to a sign on the intersection saying, “Do not enter”, surrounded by a circle of orange traffic cones halfway blocking the street. I pass by this obstruction in the quiet, suburban neighborhood twice a day, always questioning its purpose. I religiously decide to take the long way around and make the right at the stop sign to the next parallel road. It adds approximately 30 seconds to my drive. That day, I paused at the stop sign contemplating the most direct route to my destination. I peeked to my left and to my right, and checked the empty street ahead which consisted of a parked SUV on the side of the road completely abandoned. I pushed the gas and ran the sign. Approximately 15 minutes later I arrived at work with my traffic ticket in hand issued by the seemingly “abandoned” SUV. I arrived much later than the 3 minutes I would have been had I observed the traffic signs. My mother’s voice rang in my head, “Don’t speed if you are late, you’ll be even later if you get a ticket!” Thanks, Ma, I chuckled to myself.

The point of the story is not to highlight my poor driving decision that morning or the fact that, at a young 25, my prefrontal cortex is maybe not as completely developed as I would have hoped, but to bring attention to the chaos of the day to day. I sent a text to my sister expressing annoyance at myself, “Why did I do that?” and “That was so dumb”. She replied by laughing and saying “Lydia, maybe you need to slow down.”

Slow down… me? I thought to myself. I pride myself on being notoriously scheduled. I have a morning routine that is built around mindfulness practice and self-care. I meditate, I go to the gym, I visit my chiropractor all in the name of health and wellness scheduled almost to the minute. Meditate for 20 minutes, set a timer, leave for the gym by 8:30am, get back in my car by 9:30 am, leave for work by 10:30 am. It works like clockwork. Why would I need to slow down?

The thought stayed with me throughout the week ahead. I went through my routine as usual; walk dog, breakfast, chug the coffee, meditate, gym, leave for work. All perfectly syncopated like a self-care machine. I started to notice the slight eagerness in my chest as I set my timer to meditate and the way in which I walk at a slight run between scheduled activities. Rushing, I am always rushing.  Rushing to meditate to reach awareness of my breath while also being slightly aware of the next thing on my list that is standing ready, at attention for me to continue on. I started to notice the slight pressure on my skin and the rush of thoughts saying “okay, what’s next” as I go throughout my day. It’s uncomfortable. “Why am I always rushing? And to what?” I asked myself. And then, the world stopped.

COVID-19, also known as the Novel Corona Virus, appeared to sneak up on us. On Wednesday, I remember joking with my boss about the thing we yet had very little understanding of and by the next Wednesday schools were being closed and we were working feverishly on implementing a Telehealth program for our clients that would usually take months to set up. My boss set it up in about a week. We shifted into high gear in a short amount of time. It was as if the world turning on its axis, stopped as abruptly as a spinning coin that fell on its side. The world was forced to slow down. Even as the world was forced to slow down, we sped up with the asking of questions such as “How do we accommodate our clients?”, “What about electronic paperwork?”, “How do we be present and assess risk through a computer?” and, “Is this HIPAA compliant?”. A rush of questions filled the space that was forced open in the slowing down process. Most presently the question of, “What do I do next now?”.

Thoughts filled my brain about how to be productive during this time. Maybe I would do more yoga, and read all of the books I have been wanting to read. Maybe I would write a book, organize my closet and find nirvana all in the same day. I would make Quarantine fit my schedule. I sat with this idea for the first week I was home and to my surprise I was busier than ever with work and had no time to read, or organize, and definitely no time to find nirvana. I was in quarantine and couldn’t find the time to meditate. And then I remembered, “Lydia, maybe you should slow down”. I thought about the discomfort that accompanies that statement. How the rush inside my chest starts to bounce alive when I sit in silence, searching for the next project to accomplish or task to check off of my list. And I sat with it. I started to think about the discomfort and give it the space to exist in the slowing down process. I questioned what I was left with when the social aspects of life, work and family are all distanced. For some, there is anxiety in this place, for others a sense of loss or grief, and for some a comfort of taking a break from the day to day. I think I rotate through all of these emotions at least once per week, mostly depending on the day.

We, as people, are faced with so many pressures throughout our life. Pressures including success, achieving happiness, getting that promotion, having a family, making sure you do these things in the right order and not too early but also not too late. We hold ourselves accountable to a societal timeline of life. I wonder how this will change if we start to hold ourselves accountable to ourselves. I am curious about how life and meaning can shift when we start to explore what lies underneath the chaos of everyday life. This is a time that brings attention to the social nature of human beings and the vital importance of meaningful connection. I wonder how much we shall connect with others once we start connecting with ourselves. So today, instead of chugging my coffee, I took the time to make coffee like my Grandpa with a hint of cinnamon and chose to sip it instead.