Last week we talked about change. We explored why, at times, change can be so challenging. One of the hardest things about change is that the new preferred way of thinking or behaving feels foreign to who we are. It doesn’t feel like us. Not yet. In order to feel more comfortable in change we have to change our narrative to a certain extent. Let’s explore changing the narrative.

            A narrative is the personal story we have developed for who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming. Over time we gather evidence for this narrative to confirm beliefs we have about ourselves. Sometimes, these are positive aspects of our life such as knowing that you are a hard worker due to examples of past dedication, determination and work ethic. However, at times these beliefs can be limiting. When we have limiting beliefs about ourselves, these thoughts dictate not only what we think is possible for us at the present time, but also limits opportunities and actions we take towards creating a better future. This process of narrowing our opportunities and perspectives can lead to lower self-esteem and poor self-concept.

            Narrowing our perspective can lead to a problem-saturated view of life. This can sound like, “Oh, I am not that kind of person,” or “I have been luck when it comes to…” Over time these beliefs begin to impact the choices we make and behaviors we allow in our lives which limits possibility and potential progress. This creates a cycle of not believing we can achieve something, which impacts our behaviors and willingness to take risks or make choices to bring that desired story into our lives, which confirms our beliefs that we can’t have it in the first place. What a cycle to be in.

            Let’s break the cycle together. Let’s start seeing the places of opportunity in your lived experience. If you want to be someone who is living their best life, look through the chapters of your life in a new way and search for those times where you lived life exactly the way that you want it. Identify any tiny moment where you were one step closer to that goal and start to see yourself in those moments. As people, we are complex. Everyone has had moments of joy, sadness, bravery, courage and success. If we look hard enough we can find examples in our memory. However, we usually choose to give attention to the moments that confirm our original belief. To be more of what we want we must change the narrative. We must expand our perspective of ourselves.

            Let’s do it together. Take out a piece of paper and write down a goal that you have for yourself. Now ask yourself what might be getting in the way of that goal. Maybe you aren’t brave enough, or lucky enough, or have enough support to reach it. Any reasons you can think of, write those down. Now we are going to work on changing that perspective. Look through your memory of times when you were that thing. Write down times you were brave, or lucky, or supported. Write down every single moment you can think of. Then write down what it was like. How did it feel? How did you act? What changed about you? What did you prefer? Explore with yourself your own narrative. Then expand. Explore. Have fun!

The point of the therapeutic process is desired change. This change could be behavioral change, emotional change or cognitive change; however, the desired outcome is change in some way, shape, or form. Change, improvement, progress; we can name it so many different words. But is that what we really want? Do we as people really want to change?

            One thing that we know about people is that we function in systems. We have our psychological system, our family system, our community system etc. We have found various ways to organize ourselves in a way that makes sense to us. We have created a sense of belonging in our systems. These systems depend on us showing up in similar ways to continue to work in the ways in which we know them to function. When we create change, there is a shift in all of the systems at work. This shift creates discomfort. This shift is change, progress, improvement etc.

            Why, if change is what we desire, can it feel so bad? Because change is not how we know ourselves to be and how we make sense of ourselves. When we change how we react to a situation, set a boundary that challenges a relationship we have, or explore an emotion that we had once denied, we are changing our relationship to a system that already exists. It is a system that is comfortable where it is and likely wants to stay the way that it was. Simply for the reason that what we know is comfortable. It may not be what we desire, what we want, or how we envision our life; but it is comfortable.

            Then comes resistance. When we challenge a comfortable belief with something that is uncomfortable our bodies naturally resist. Or if we do not resist, we embrace that beginner’s excitement, hit the ground running, and then are faced with resistance when something becomes reality. Why is this? Because it takes time to adjust and integrate something into our systemic identity. Those new thoughts, feelings or behaviors have to be integrated into your view of yourself and your existing systems for it to feel authentic to who you are. How do I do that you might ask?

            In order to create lasting change, we have to examine the purpose and function of the old behaviors, thoughts, or feelings and understand why they might have been there in the first place. What was that habit distracting you from? What did that thought process protect you from? Why might it have been easier to deny that emotion? Understand the process. Understand what you would like to change. Acknowledge and validate that whatever was there was there for a reason. You are not broken. You are a human system that has adapted. In order to adapt to something new you have to integrate the new, preferred perspective into your identity. Don’t just hope for change; think the change, feel the change, walk the walk and talk the talk. Give yourself credit for the small steps you take. Small consistent change over time that is integrated into your identity creates long and lasting change.

            What might be some small choices you can make today that will get you closer to where you would like to be? Explore those steps this week, see what you can do to bring yourself one centimeter closer. Maybe it’s a thought, perhaps it’s a behavior, maybe it’s thinking about a behavior. It does not matter as long as you give yourself credit for adjusting the system in a small way. Most of all be patient. Change can be uncomfortable. That’s okay. It is okay to be uncomfortable. You can do hard things. Let’s make it a great week!

Anxiety is one of those words that has become popular in mainstream language, however, what do we really mean when we say this word? Are we speaking of expected nervousness with a new transition or does this dive into intense unease and perseveration on potential events that impact quality of life. We can speak of anxiety on a spectrum from unease and worry to chronic patterns of perseverating that impacts quality of life and decision making.

Anxiety is our bodies biological response to feeling as if we are in danger. Our sympathetic nervous system kicks in high gear when our body interprets something as a threat. In order to get ready to fight, flight or freeze, as we would need to as cave people to run away from a lion attacking us, our heart rate increases, our breath quickens, our reactions intensify among other biological reactions. Our body simply does not know the difference between being attacked by a lion and worry about social situation, our job, our families etc. Anxiety is real.

So, what can we do to be able to remind ourselves we are not in danger in our everyday lives? While there are many different approaches to anxiety and thus many ways to explore this interaction, I tend to take the approach of increasing sense of safety and empowerment. When we become anxious, our view point narrows and we see less opportunity around us. We often feel small, unsafe and unsettled. An antidote to this shrinking of the self and perspective is to broaden our sense of self, sense of confidence and increase empowerment. As anxiety begins to take over, explore the ways in which you have fought against anxiety in the past and empowered yourself to do something outside of your comfort zone. How did it feel? What did you notice about yourself in that moment? Which way of being did you prefer?

As we begin to see ourselves as people who are capable and able to fight back against our threat, we see ourselves as stronger and more competent. This way of thinking increases our confidence and expands our view of ourselves. Try this exercise next time you are flooded with worry. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle as if you are making two columns. In the column on the right, write down your worries and identify them as fears. These are thoughts that you have that are based in fear and anxiety. Label them as such. Then one by one take these fears that are taking over your thought process and in the column next to the thought write down some action steps you would take if that fear did occur. What would you realistically do to solve that problem or move yourself closer to a state of stability? Would you sit down and let it consume you or would you fight back against the threat?

Start to see yourself as someone who can do scary things.  By encouraging ourselves to look at the actions we would take to solve a problem we are empowering ourselves and minimizing the threat. The less threatening something is and the more capable we see ourselves, the closer we are to a state of safety and peace. While this is just one activity that may not fit for everyone, it is one way of shifting our perspective to broaden our view of ourselves within our personal narrative one day at a time. Comment down below with your favorite ways to empower yourself!

Disclaimer: While these activities and posts can be helpful, it is always my first recommendation to process anxiety or other mental health issues with a trained professional in a therapeutic setting. Mental health and wellness is not a one size fits all solution. There is magic in a supportive therapeutic relationship full of unconditional positive regard.

The phrases, “self-love” and “self-care” have become buzzwords in today’s society. These phrases have become synonymous with bubble baths and glasses of wine and treating yourself to something you have had your eye on. While those things can be nice and can uplift your spirit, I want to talk a little bit more about the down and dirty when it comes to loving yourself a little bit more.

            Healing is not all bubble baths and meditation. While those things can be tools to use to listen to our body, what our mind and body really wants is to be heard on a deeper level. Many times, this deeper healing comes from confronting hidden truths about ourselves and our relationships with others. Self-love comes with careful and compassionate evaluation of our thoughts and behaviors and asking ourselves if we are acting in a way that is honoring ourselves.

            When we take a deeper look at some of the choices we make on a daily basis, we start to reveal to ourselves our true priorities. Ask yourself what might you be doing that is restricting love from coming into your life and honoring yourself. Sometimes the relationships we allow or do not allow ourselves to have block the love that comes into our lives. Can we find expansion in our relationships with others? Do our relationships with others encourage us to be better versions of ourselves? Perhaps you have supportive relationships in your life, however, you continually put your health on the back burner telling yourself that you do not have the time thus taking away the energy you need to live a fulfilling life. Explore your choices, what do they tell you?

            When we take a deeper look at our choices, we are able to see a clearer picture of what we bring into our lives. Are you happy with what you are bringing in or would you like more of certain aspects of your life? What aspects of life might you want to change and in what ways are your behaviors or thoughts maintaining those patterns of interaction?

            At times, it may not be the choices we make to bring something into our lives but the restrictions that we place on ourselves based on what we see is possible for us or what we may be deserving of. How often have you said to yourself, “Oh, I can’t do that?” And to that statement I would agree with you. “You cannot”, based on the current thought patterns and behavior patterns that are narrowed by the belief system of lack. We engage in the world in a different way when we think we cannot. So, the answer is to change the interaction. Change the thought, change the behavior, change the mindset. Explore the ways in which you may be blocking yourself and see what you bring into your life when you remain open to the possibilities.

There are times in our life when we need to seek stable ground. These are times where life may feel out of control or like it is moving too quickly. When our minds are racing or we are filled with sad thoughts what can we reach for to bring us safety and security? How can we refill our cups when we need it the most? Today we will explore a grounding technique that can bring us back to planet Earth when we may have floated away.

First, take a few deep breaths. Not shallow ones, but ones that fill your lungs and expand your ribs. Now breathe that air out so you can hear an audible release of air. Don’t be shy. Let the air go. Now, do it again. With every breathe in, feel your stomach get bigger and your lungs fill with life. Now let it go. Breathe it out. Let your shoulders drop. Release something.

Do it again.

Pay attention to your feet. How does the ground feel underneath you? Feel it with your toes. Touch your pinky toe to the ground, then the next toe, then the next, your middle toe, your ring toe, your big toe. Feel the balls of your feet hit the earth. It’s steady. It will always hold you up. Feel the strength in your feet touching the ground.

Now that you’ve gone through all of the piggies going to the market, look around the room. Tell me five things that you can see. What color are they? What texture do they have? How much space do they take up? Tell me four things that you can touch. Touch each item and feel it. Really, feel it and describe it in your head. Is it scratchy? Is it soft? Take a minute. Now, tell me three things you can hear. What sounds fill your life and make it meaningful? List off two things you can smell. Your home has a smell, the air has a smell, you have a smell. Now tell me one thing you can taste. Imagine your favorite food.

Think about your life so far. What are the things that are going well for you? Tell me about the big picture. Think about the promotion you are working towards, think about your children, think about your favorite day, imagine the face of your favorite person, and allow yourself to feel the strength that you have needed to get through life thus far. Let it fill you up. Just for a moment.

This is what it is like to take a minute and ground yourself. Throughout life, we are always trying to get to the next destination or the next feeling; let’s enjoy this moment. A moment that just is. There is nothing to do, nothing to change, just a moment in time that simply is.

We know that our body gives us clues that we are hungry, thirsty, or tired. When we are hungry, our stomachs grumble and growl. When we are thirsty we crave water and our mouth gets dry. At times when we are tired our eyes begin to droop and our bodies slow as the night gets darker. These are cues that we know well. But what if our body is trying to tell us more than just when to eat and sleep? What if our body wants us to know more?

            Not only does our body want us to know more, but it gives us cues about what we need and how we heal. What might your body be trying to tell you? Many times, we do not stop and listen to what our body needs until it is screaming at us. The way in which our body screams is unique to each individual, however we do share some similarities as people. Our body screams in anxiety when we are chronically stressed, over stimulated, or fearful. Our body screams in depression when we ignore chronic stress, lack meaningful connections or fulfillment, and deny mood fluctuations that deserve attention. Our body screams in fatigue when we do not take time to decompress and rest. While this is an oversimplification of complex mental health issues that include biological reactions, environmental stressors, relationship factors, psychological influences and societal context, we often overlook what our body is telling us.

            While our bodies react in different ways and for different reasons it is important to listen to the small cues our body gives off rather than waiting for the undeniable breaking point that we tend to wait for in order to take action and seek help. What might happen if we reached out to social supports at the first sign of depressed mood or explored the influence of chronic stress on feelings of fatigue instead of pushing through another day feeling tired. How might our body thank us when we listen to the whispers?

            Not only do we need to listen to the whispers, we also need to respond. This is where coming up with rituals and routines that support wellness assist us in listening to our body. These rituals can be personalized to you as long as they are intentional in increasing our mindfulness of what we need. Perhaps we need to create rituals of connection by spending more time with people that we share emotional closeness or we spend a moment in quiet reflection at night after a busy day to express gratitude for the chance to try again tomorrow. The ritual itself is only as meaningful as the need that it responds to. Let’s explore how we can listen to our bodies more fully and give ourselves a little more of what we need.

As people, we do not like things that we do not understand. As a result, our brain tries to fill in the gaps to make a coherent story. Usually this serves us well, however, we only have access to information that we have experienced unless we push ourselves outside of our comfort zone and try to learn. So, at times when people are trying to understand something that they have not experienced, they create a narrative that is incorrect. During this process, we can deny someone else’s experience. We can do harm to others. The antidote to this process is curiosity and awareness.

Acknowledging injustice within our community often results in resistance to that idea. “What, no! That doesn’t happen here,” or “But what I said wasn’t racist…” Those thoughts are resistance to the idea that our society is built on a system of power. To truly understand the impact of racial discrimination and racism one needs to explore history, power hierarchies, societal infrastructure, and generational trauma. We need to acknowledge that we live in a society that is based on a system in which discrimination based on race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, and class is alive, to only name a few. When discomfort arises at noticing injustice in our community, I encourage you to be curious with yourself. It makes sense that you feel uncomfortable. Injustice should result in feelings of discomfort.

Many time when people feel uncomfortable, instead of acknowledging the injustice, we try to make it go away. As a result, we deny the experience of others, we may not vocalize the things that they do notice, and we stay quiet. This perpetuates a culture of ignorance and turning a blind eye. I ask that you do not do this. I ask that you question yourself and others with a gentle curiosity that allows you to bring awareness to your own biases and the biases of others. You are not supposed to know everything. You cannot know the experience of billions of people around the world, that is not your job. Nobody can speak to another’s experience; that is not something to feel shame or guilt over. There is compassion in saying, “I do not know and I am willing to listen and validate your experience and try to change”. That is your job.

Listening is something we often forget to do when we are trying to prove a point. Our desire to defend a position increases when we feel someone is saying something that shows us in a poor light.  We get defensive. We deny. In any interaction between people it is important to stress that you are listening to understand rather than listening to respond. It is important to say, “I hear you”. It is okay to not understand. That makes us human. However, we need to hear out others to improve our relationships with others. We need to listen.

I am not a black American. I cannot speak to that experience. However, I can listen. I can validate. I can bring awareness to injustice when I see it occurring. That is my job in humanity and my duty to make our community a safer place for all. I know some of you may read this and think it is not your problem or scoff at these ideas. I am not writing this for you. I am writing this for the people who read this and feel the twinge of guilt arise in your chest. Pay attention to that feeling. Be curious about it. Do something about it. It is your job.

When people think of the word faith they often think of a religious practice or a relationship with God. In many ways, our spiritual practices can bring about comfort in times of struggle or self-doubt. However, faith can be broadened to include our belief systems at large. Exploring our belief systems can create a sense of belonging within ourselves and stability in our struggle. Together we shall explore our belief systems and how they impact our sense of self and comfort in our world.

            When times get hard, what do you have to rely on? Perhaps for you this means a religious or spiritual practice of some kind. For others, this may include some beliefs about themselves that they deeply connect with and rely on. Thoughts like, “I always find a way,” and, “I am a good problem solver” are belief systems that reflect the faith that we have in ourselves. Is it possible for you to find something to connect with within yourself that you find strengthening? It is our inner strength that can lead to solutions and help to support our inner peace.

            Sometimes, finding these beliefs can fall into place naturally. They are beliefs that we have held close to our truth for our whole lives. At other times, these beliefs take some searching for in the history of our past to be able to piece together what we are really made of. Exploring past challenges and identifying the ways in which you were able to persevere and overcome show the strengths that exist within us. These strengths become our inner faith in ourselves. They become the something solid that we need when we are faced with uncertainty and chaos that can accompany many challenges in life.

            Exploring these beliefs takes honesty with our perspective. We cannot look at the past and say we have no strengths. That is not a possibility. We need to face our past with objectivity and clarity to see the times where we overcame our challenges even if our challenge was the grocery store being out of chicken. Maybe you adapted and got chicken tenders instead or you spiced things up and reminisced with some chicken nuggets. Perhaps, you branched out and tried turkey instead of chicken for an unexpected change. Maybe at the store you had a meltdown about the chicken and were able to calm yourself down and call a friend to let off steam. Great! How were you able to get through it? Because you did.

            By exploring and identifying our inner strengths we develop the foundational beliefs that build our faith in ourselves. These beliefs can include faith at large, individual facts, beliefs about the world and more. We do not need to limit what beliefs make up our faith as long as we work to cultivate our belief systems that support and guide us. Through this exploration we increase our faith in our ability to do hard things and in effect, our faith in ourselves. Have faith, whatever that may mean to you!

Boundaries are the ways in which individuals communicate their needs and desires to others and set limits with what they deem acceptable in their life. There are many types of boundaries that we need in our lives. These include boundaries when it comes to our emotions, cognition, physicality and time. Boundaries serve to protect our self-interest and our concept of self.

Boundaries exist in many different facets of our lives. Emotional boundaries set the tone for how we share and receive emotions from others. At times, we may be able to be more emotionally present for others depending on the events in our own lives. At other times, we may need to conserve our emotional energy for ourselves. Having emotional boundaries aides in communicating these needs to others and protecting our emotional wellbeing. This may sound like knowing that it is not your job to “fix” others and can offer support without it infringing upon your own emotional wellness. While supporting others can add incredible value to our lives, having boundaries ensures we do not do this to our detriment.

Protecting our thoughts and belief system falls into the category of setting cognitive boundaries. When setting these boundaries with others we are conscious of our thoughts and beliefs and put value in the experience of having our beliefs be heard or expressed. While this does not mean that we are disrespectful of others views, we are able to express our inner voice while being cognoscente of respecting others. This may sound something like, “That isn’t a topic I am comfortable discussing right now, but I would love to talk about…” By responding in this way, we are able to communicate our limits while also engaging with someone in a positive way. Someone with strong cognitive boundaries is comfortable expressing their thoughts and beliefs and stay true to those beliefs even when confronted by others.

Physical boundaries explore our connection with the physical world. While these boundaries can be as obvious as a closed door that creates a physical barrier, they also refer to our comfort level with physical closeness, PDA, and touch. At times, it becomes necessary to communicate comfort level with various physical interactions. Sometimes, a boundary can be as simple as taking a step back to increase physical distance. At other times, a more communicative boundary is necessary to communicate clear discomfort and desired behavioral change.

How time is valued also constitutes a boundary. Exploring with yourself your limits for time can give insight into your relationships with others. Are you often spending time on others rather than meeting your own needs? Do you communicate about tardiness with friends and family? Do you make yourself late to answer an “important” phone call that could wait until after your meeting? All of these examples explore various boundaries with time.

One of the most important aspects of setting boundaries is setting boundaries with yourself. Are you able to maintain integrity in the way in which you engage with yourself and others or maybe is this something to explore within yourself? Maybe the emotional boundary comes into play when you silence some negative self-criticism or you enforce a time limit with yourself by making an “appointment” to workout a priority for your health. Exploring the boundaries with yourself and others can lead to more positive mood and interactions with yourself and others.

Setting boundaries can often get a bad rep, however they lead to healthier relationships with ourselves and others. Very often there can be a fear of setting boundaries that are too harsh due to worries of upsetting others or leading to conflict. One way to stay true to yourself while also being respectful of others is to validate the other persons emotions and experience while setting a boundary. This often leads to the other person feeling heard while setting clear expectations within your interactions. Clarity helps ease anxiety and can be a kindness in your relationships with others. Boundaries lead to reduces anxiety, more balanced relationships, and lessened resentment. So, next time you need to set a boundary think about how kind it is to be clear.

Everyone has heard the saying, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade”. It’s a sweet saying, it really is. However, sometimes the lemons straight up suck. So, what do we actually do when life hands us lemons?

            Truthfully, everyone has lemons. To some they may be smaller or fewer in number, but the sour juice stings just the same to the person eating them. I used to think my “lemon” was the fact that I am so emotional. I thought I was too sensitive and cried way too often for the average happy kid. This was my lemon in life. However, when I was 17, life threw me another lemon when my mom passed away from cancer. For a while, life felt a little bit like one of those ball pits you get stuck in as a kid but instead of fun, colored plastic balls, I was surrounded by lemons. It was a downer.

            A funny thing about me is that I actually love lemons. Ever since I was a kid, I would steal all of the lemons from everyone’s glasses at restaurants and eat them, something I still do as an adult. There was something about the tangy sourness that suited me. I took that ideology to heart. I challenged myself to find meaning in the events that had occurred in my life; to find the lesson in the lemons. What was the world trying to teach me? Is there something I can grow within myself from this?

            The things I learned and am continuing to learn were not necessarily lessons I wanted to go through. Often this is the case when managing the various lemons that life has thrown at us. Lemons are usually accompanied by bitterness and resentment. At times, we need to sink to the bottom of the yellow pit of citrus fruit before we are able to look for the possibility of growth. Perhaps the lessons are not so cheery and bright. The growth can come from setting boundaries with people we love, self-protection, building our own security, and creating a safe space for ourselves within ourselves. Sometimes the lessons are not things we need to learn, but things we need to do to heal from the experience. It can be grueling work squishing these lemons into something resembling lemonade.

            It is in this challenging emotional work that we can find our greatest strengths, cultivate those ideas, and integrate them into our personal identity. For me, my lemons led me to a career where connecting with others emotionally is one of my strongest assets. Through this work, something that I saw as a weakness was channeled into one of my greatest strengths. In remembering that we are not our experiences we open ourselves up to this possibility. By separating from our experience and eliminating self-blame, we can identify our strengths, highlight them and expand them. In doing this, we embrace our personal power against our external circumstance.

            What about the times where the lemons are too sour? There are times in life when we struggle to find the meaning in an event. In times like grief, tragedy, assault and trauma it is impossible to find the silver lining. Those wounds are deep and deserve the time to heal. And if we look at the event itself, I do not believe that there is good there. However, the good lies in the capacity for the human spirit to heal, grow and expand. As people, we are resilient.

            By giving ourselves the possibility to identify our own personal strengths in managing our lemons we create our identity. It is not the events of our lives that define us. By creating our own personal meaning, embracing self-growth and discovery, and cultivating our strengths, we aid in our resilience. The lemons will always remain just lemons, it is up to us to do the work to make something resembling lemonade.