Everyone has a bad week from time to time. Sometimes you get a bad haircut that chips away at the self-confidence and some weeks you mourn the loss of a beloved family member or friend. The range of “bad” when it comes to defining a “bad week” is indescribable in this short blog post. While we cannot define someone’s “bad week”, there are some skills that can be helpful to help you overcome obstacles that stand it your way as you navigate weeks that are a little more challenging than others.

1. Make sure that the basics are taken care of.

If you are not eating, sleeping, and drinking water this is the place to start. So often, when stressed we forget the basics. We forget the impact of having meals that fuel our body, maintaining proper hydration, and usually increased stress levels impact our sleep schedule on some level. Give yourself the basics before you try anything else. While this may not change the stressor, it will impact how much energy you have to try to problem solve or process whatever is needed. Sometimes this is where you stop. You just focus on these things and being present with basic day to day tasks. If this feels manageable then you can move on to trying other strategies.

2. Keep routines that feel good to you.

While a bad week is not necessarily the time to start something new, it is definitely time to keep doing what you know works for you. At times when we are stressed, we let our routines and rituals fall to the wayside. By maintaining rituals and routines that are normative as much as the body allows, we send messages to our body that it is safe enough to continue with life and reduce stress levels. If you know that going to the gym is your way to blow off steam, do it! If you know that you meditate every morning, don’t skip it when life gets tough. These are the times when we need our rituals the most.

3. Write it out.

Journal. Free write. It does not have to make sense. Getting our thoughts out on paper can bring clarity during stressful times. Make a web of word associations and see what you notice and where your brain goes.

4. Focus on your breathing.

When we become stressed our breath naturally becomes shallow and increases in tempo. Intentionally slowing down your breath and really focusing on allowing air to relax your body can slow down a frazzled week.

5. Expand your perspective

While some stressors are drastically life changing, most normative day to day stressors are survivable. By reminding yourself that this is one hour, one day, or maybe even one week of your life that is challenging (not your whole life) you maintain perspective that is valuable. Challenge yourself to remind yourself of other aspects of your life that you are proud of or feel accomplished in. See how many items you can come up with.

6. Know when you need to let yourself just feel it

Sometimes it is helpful to push through a challenging week. We can challenge our thoughts and reframe negative images into positive moments. And sometimes we need to just allow ourselves to have a crumby day and feel disappointed, sad or grieve for a few hours. Start to ask yourself if this moment is something to push through or something to allow yourself the space to feel.

Not all bad weeks or moments are created equal. Sometimes, we turn it around and keep going and sometimes we rest and allow ourselves space to feel. At times, we do both. All is valuable. Try out some of the tips above next time you find yourself feeling a little down in the dumps and let me know how it goes. Wishing you all a beautiful week ahead.

A concept discussed in the therapy world quite frequently is the idea of social support. Social support can be incredibly valuable and healing regarding mental health and wellness. Having friends and peers to share experiences and be vulnerable with can provide much needed validation, understanding and increased closeness. It allows for deeper conversations and collaboration with important people in our worlds. Social support has been shown to improve mental health and wellness in many ways.

While social support is incredibly valuable, a concept that I believe goes hand in hand with support is having appropriate boundaries. When does support cross over into caregiving that becomes dependent rather than supportive? This dynamic is something that differs for everyone and is worth spending some time questioning your own boundaries regarding supporting others. When does supporting others take away from supporting yourself? When does it contribute to a meaningful relationship? And do you know the difference in your own life?

Learning to know your own emotional boundaries with supporting others can help you differentiate between knowing when you are supporting your relationships and when you are taking away from your own wellbeing. Emotional boundaries can sound like:

Do I have the energy to have this conversation right now?

Is this person asking me to do something that I do not agree with or that betrays my commitments to myself?

Does this conversation feel good to me? And if no, why not?

Can I be supportive right now?

Am I in need of support myself? Is there reciprocity within this relationship?

Is this support one-sided?

Do I also receive what I need out of this relationship and communicate those needs clearly while respecting the others boundaries?

One of the most powerful things in healing is being heard, validated and witnessed by others. I truly believe in this part of the work. The strength that lies in community is immense. Having boundaries that support both yourself and your relationships with others creates harmony in the balancing act that is support. Embrace the give and take. It is okay to say that you do not have the energy to be able to fully support someone else and you need to revisit a conversation when you can provide it with attention that serves both yourself and your relationship. Explore what this means to you throughout the week and drop a comment down below if this is a topic you can connect with. I love to hear from you all. Happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits ahead of you.

As we go through life, we gather information about ourselves and others that form our personal story. We remember times we felt awesome, times we felt stupid or less than, and everything in between. We gather information from experiences with teachers like your 10^th grade English teacher who told you that you weren’t the brightest or the time you tripped in gym class and the cool guy from the football team laughed at you. We remember the time we crushed it at a business meeting with a high-powered executive or the moment you overcame a challenge at the gym for the first time.

Over time we start to form narratives about what these experiences mean about who we are, our strengths, and our weaknesses. At times, we love these narratives and they serve to support the person we were, are and are becoming, however, at times these narratives become outdated, unsupported or conflict with who we are and what we want.

When narratives no longer align with who we see ourselves to be, this disconnect can result in anxiety, incongruence, or frustration with ourselves. While a narrative as a whole may not serve us anymore, there may be parts of it that we still connect to in some way or a part of ourselves that still aligns with that story and keeps it around. As we start to challenge those narratives and there is a disconnect that can often result in feelings of anger towards ourselves when we connect with that outdated narrative or that part of ourselves that we no longer wish to see. As that anger comes up it often results in thoughts that are judgmental of the needs of those parts of ourselves.

When we judge the needs of these parts of ourselves or become angry for a narrative resurfacing in some way we are denying ourselves of a valuable experience. I wonder what it would be like to notice when a narrative or belief is coming up for you and instead of judging that part of you, notice what need it might be serving for you. Is that belief protecting you from something? Is it giving you security? It is a hope you had from a younger self? What might be the thing that the part is asking you for? How can you respond in a way that is supportive to you?

In an effort to get to know the parts of ourselves that we dislike, why they are there, and what function they serve, we open ourselves up to be able to learn how to communicate with ourselves. By allowing ourselves the chance to get to know ourselves, our needs, and our stories we create a deeper understanding of how to change and if that belief is something that aligns with who we are. Our lives are a collection of stories and meaning making moments that create who we see ourselves to be. Over time, those stories change, develop or unfold in unexpected and expected ways. Let us be flexible in our view of ourselves and allow it the space to change, develop and unfold.

What does self-care mean to you?

I like to think of self-care as building a life that I do not need a break from. This means a life where I feel able to handle my day and engage with others in a meaningful way. Some days this means I need to take time for myself to be able to do that. Other days, it means I need to socialize more with friends. However, most days, it means I need rituals and routines that support the type of life that I want to live.

Self-care is not something that I do once in a while. Self-care is not indulging in life. Self-care is scheduling time for the things that I need to get done and making it a priority. This is something that takes place every day. There is self-care in our daily choices. These daily choices add up to our habits and the way that we live our lives. Self-care is making choices throughout our day that support ourselves.

This looks different for different people and at different times in our lives. One day it may look like taking space from a relationship to gather your thoughts and another day it may look like having a really challenging conversation that, while uncomfortable, will further your relationship and help you to understand yourself and the other person on a deeper level. One day it may look like pushing through your work and holding yourself accountable and the next day it may look like setting appropriate limits for yourself and taking a break when you feel drained. It all depends on knowing yourself and acknowledging your needs in that moment. What kind of life are you wanting to live that is sustainable?

The key word is sustainable. Are you creating habits and thus a life that sustains you and that you can sustain? Life is not a sprint. You need energy to get through and sometimes that means preventative care, habits, routines and listening to our bodies in order to know what we need to keep going in the way that we desire. This does not always mean being lax, sometimes this means pushing through so that we make our lives easier in the long run. Sometimes, it means doing the prep work to set ourselves up for success.

I want you to think of the most stressful areas of your life. The morning rush before work, sitting in traffic, perhaps, parenting with your significant other or co-parent. Now ask yourself this, “How do my habits and routines support this stressful time?”  Take the time to explore that answer and see what the need is in those areas. Do you more energy? Do you need more sleep? Do you need to be more prepared? What exactly is it that you need? Once you identify the need, you are able to add a small thing to your routine that supports that need. Slowly, over time, you start to build those habits that support you. Over time, you start to build a life that is founded in choices reflecting your self-care rather than escaping life for self-care. Share your thoughts down below! What does self-care mean to you?

            Have you ever had a day when you had an off day and cannot pin point where it is coming from? Maybe you had a conversation with a friend that brought your energy down or your boss was having a tough day and was more critical in their approach than usual. Perhaps, you got flipped off while driving or the lady in the check out line was cramping your style. All of these things add to the levels of stress around you and all of a sudden impact your mood. You are now having a, “bad” day. The next time that occurs, ask yourself, “Am I having a bad day or are the people around me having a bad day and I am absorbing their energy?”

            When we are surrounded by others and their stories at times their stories can impact our stories. We share perspectives and those perspectives influence the way that we see the world throughout our day. At times, this can be overwhelming and change how we feel. Having boundaries with ourselves and what we take into our thoughts and emotions can protect ourselves from taking on the thoughts and feelings of other people.

            Asking ourselves several questions when we notice our emotions start to shift can help us to separate out how we are feelings from emotions that others may be experiencing.

When did this emotional shift start within me?

Is this conversation reminding me of another time in my life?

Does this conversation or individual feel draining?

Am I having a bad day or are people in my life going through a tough time?

What in particular about the day was challenging?

How do I set boundaries that protect my emotional state right now?

By asking ourselves these questions we are able to identify the origin of the shift in emotional state, explore why something might be draining, identify the source and identify and listen to our needs in the particular moment. At first, these questions may be challenging to answer. The more that you ask the questions in times where you notice the shift, the deeper your insight will develop and expand. Each time you give yourself the gift of getting to know yourself and your needs a little bit deeper. Explore your thoughts and enjoy the beautiful week ahead.

Have you ever had an anxious moment and someone said to you, “Oh don’t worry,” and it was the least helpful thing you have ever heard in your life? We’ve all been there. Now, that person who gave you the most unhelpful answer in the world does not mean any harm. They are trying to help. They are trying to provide you with an answer to a fear that you are experiencing. Now let’s talk about why that doesn’t work.

When you are having an anxious response, your body is sending out messages that you are in danger, that you are scared, or that something bad is going to happen. Your body is feeling threatened. Now when someone says, “Oh, don’t worry,” as well-meaning as it is, it’s too late. You are already there. Your body is already there. You have already had one million thoughts, half a million preparatory actions and contemplated running away before you even voiced your concerns to the other person. Now that is a bit of an exaggeration to prove a point, however, your body has released chemicals and thoughts which resulted in biological and physiological responses in the body. It’s too late to, “not worry about it”.

When we are in that state, with the thoughts, and the chemical, and the physiological responses, our body is trying to make sense of what to do to protect ourselves. We are searching for answers. So, another person also searching for answers usually does not calm down the response. In that state, we need safety and understanding. Repeat that after me, “When I am anxious, I need safety and understanding”. Imagine how it would feel to have someone say, “That makes so much sense that you feel scared. That sounds like a really scary thought”. Followed up with sitting with you in that fear. No coming up with answers. No not worrying, but allowing yourself to find safety and understanding.

In order to counteract the fear and threatened state, we have to allow our bodies to re-establish safety in those moments. That can mean something different for everyone. Now, we do not always need someone else to provide us with safety and understanding. However, at times it can be helpful to have support that feels stable when we feel unsteady. By acknowledging our needs to ourselves and clearly communicating our needs to others it can help us achieve our needs more easily and improve our communication within our relationships with others.

Understanding our needs as human beings is an important first step in responding to our needs. Once we understand our fears and can validate those fears without judgement, we are able to respond to them in a way that creates safety and understanding. This response reduces the stress response in our body and is a key step in reducing overall stress and anxiety in our lives. This week experiment with choosing understanding and safety rather than judgement and denial of anxiety and see where it takes you.

One of the most important things in life is how connected we feel with others and the relationships we form and cultivate. Creating meaningful connection to others can improve our mood, self-esteem, and general perception of ourselves. The key word here is meaningful. Not all relationships are created equal and so today, I want to focus on the word, cultivate, in particular.

Relationships of any kind; family, friend, significant other etc, take careful cultivation and energy to create, build and maintain. The effort that we put into these relationships impacts how meaningful they are in our lives. We have to develop these relationships by continually getting to know the other people we engage with, being curious about them and recognizing their changes, strengths and short comings. But how do we do this? How do we create connection?

Building connection can mean many things to different people. Everyone has their own threshold for what it means to truly connect. With this in mind, there are certain things that help build up connection and help us to celebrate the beauty of relationship.

1. Love languages- Gary Chapman developed the idea of the Five Love Languages. He wrote a wonderful book called “The Five Love Languages,” that goes into detail about how we connect with others and how the main way may not be the same for everyone. He explored how there are five main ways individuals connect including quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and gifts. Explore the ways the important people in your life show you how they love you. You might get a hint as to what is important in how they receive love as well.
2. Communicating- How often have you used the phrase, “Well, they should just know,” or, “If they knew me well enough…” when talking about close relationships? While we do want to know others, we also have to communicate when something is important to us. Communicating clearly provides direction and limits miscommunications. It can also decrease anxiety in relationships by eliminating unnecessary guessing.
3. Sharing- A specific part of communicating is sharing pieces of ourselves with others so that they can get to know us better. Sharing allows us to improve our knowledge of the other person as well as increases our sense of emotional closeness by being vulnerable. As we grow in closeness and vulnerability we learn about how to best connect with someone.

These processes look different for everyone and are by no means a one size fits all solution for closeness. Some relationships need more vulnerability, while others may need firmer boundaries to feel comfortable and safe. Explore these ideas in your close relationships and see how you can grow and celebrate connection throughout the week!

When was the last time you did something purely to have fun or learn something new? One of the most enjoyable things to watch is to watch a child learn something for the first time. They go through this process of excitement, curiosity, and learning that is so enjoyable to watch and experience. As children, this excitement and learning is something that makes the world so interesting. Everything is new and exciting when we are small and discovering things for the first time.

Over time, we start to narrow our activities and create hobbies that bring us joy and showcase our skills. We start to become productive members of society in whatever shape that takes in our lives and for some that means starting to limit the activities that we engage in. In some ways, this allows us to become skilled and develop areas of expertise. In other ways, this limits our experiences to predictable habits that require less thought and creativity. There can be a narrowing process that takes place; a narrowing of activities and thus a narrowing of mind.

As we learn something new, our mind expands and we develop parts of ourselves that perhaps were not as developed as parts of ourselves that have solidified over time. Expanding our experience increases our understanding of ourselves in different roles. What is it like to take on the role of an observer? Do you enjoy being challenged with something new? How does it feel to learn? We begin to develop answers to these questions as we expand our experience and further develop our sense of self.

While it can be meaningful to develop aspects of ourselves that feel familiar such as reading books we enjoy, listening to music we like, watching the same type of television shows, and eating the same types of foods, experiencing new meaning forces us to learn about the world around us and further develop our meaning in life. We become more complex. Our brains develop new pathways. We challenge ourselves to get out of our comfort zone and become curious about life in the childlike way that brought so much joy. It may be uncomfortable at first, but what awaits you past the discomfort?

While it is natural for a maturation process to occur over time and development, when was the last time you engaged in a new activity purely for fun? What was it like? And if the answer is no, then I ask you why not? Maybe this week you read a book from a different genre, try a new pose in your yoga session, or take a different route on your daily walk with your dog. Learning and expanding your experience does not necessarily mean learning a skill or taking up a new hobby, but allows for you to experience newness in the world around you. When we open ourselves up to new experiences, we allow ourselves to learn, grow and experience new emotions. When we open ourselves up to new experiences we allow ourselves to live.

Have you been feeling uninspired lately? One thing that I have heard from many individuals is feeling uninspired and bored during this time of social distancing and working from home. At first, we worked to make sure we had structure and routines, we scheduled zoom calls with family and had virtual happy hours to create connection. There was a novelty to “the new normal”. That novelty seems to have worn off for the most part.

People feel tired of the uncertainty. They feel disappointed at the changes that have occurred and routine has settled in for many. While routines help us to feel organized and provide structure to our day to day, they can also become dull and tedious over time after repeating the same patterns of behaviors that are associated with the same emotion experience time and time again. So how do we create habits that fulfill us rather than drain us of energy?

This week I was given a task of self-care. Now being a therapist, I have built up rituals and routines that support my wellness to be able to provide support to others. I am a firm believer in building routines that are preventative and encourage vitality rather than burn out.  I would say I have a pretty solid routine in place full of yoga, meditation, exercise etc. However, recently some of that routine has felt just that, routine. And if there is one thing that I have learned it is that it does not matter what you are doing, it matters why you are doing it. Is it really self-care if it is just going through the motions? So, I gave myself a challenge to be more intentional.

I challenged myself. I started an inner conversation with myself that was different from the previous weeks of auto pilot yoga sessions and walking just because it is good for my dog. I started setting an intention for each activity that I engaged in. I committed fully to that activity, even if it was sitting on my couch watching a television show. I committed hardcore. If I was going to binge that Netflix show I was going to let myself enjoy it. I asked myself how I wanted to be during that workout and how I wanted to show up for that hour. Did I want to just get it done or did I want to have an awesome workout that fueled my body and my mind?

At first, I did a lot of internal eye rolling at myself. For anyone who knows me personally, they know I love a good pep talk. Now, I was giving myself those inner pep talks before the gym, before yoga, before taking my dog for a walk. I was also rolling my eyes at my inner cheerleader. But slowly I started to feel more energized. I started to feel excited about my day again. Things started to feel like opportunities for experiences rather than just the same old routine I did every day to be able to show up for others. It started with a simple question of, “how do I want to be?”.

Setting small goals and intentions for ourselves improves our motivation. It allows us to work towards something that we can see results from right away. We prime ourselves for success rather than falling victim to the habits of emotions and behaviors that we have formed from blindly following a routine without meaning. Remember, it is not what we are doing, but why we are doing it that matters. Allow yourself to fulfill that why this week. This week I challenge you to ask yourself, “How do I want to be?”.

We have talked about change, we have explored changing the narrative but all of those ideas without accountability add up to a small amount of fluff. While we do want to approach change in a compassionate light, there is a responsibility to uphold a delicate balance. The balance is one of both compassion and accountability.

How many times have we given up on ourselves because it was too hard or took too much work to hold ourselves accountable? What goals have you let drift to the side because thoughts derailed you from pursuit? While this is understandable and we always have a chance to try again, there is comfort in the status quo. Without accountability, we allow ourselves to slip back into those old habits that no longer serve us. While motivation can light a fire, it is determination and discipline that creates lasting habits. That brings us to accountability.

What does it mean to hold ourselves truly accountable? It means calling ourselves out for the BS that floats through our minds on a daily basis. It means acknowledging the excuses that might take hold of you from time to time or the times when we may not see ourselves clearly. It is taking hold of our actions and behaviors and cultivating a practice of intentionality. Asking yourself if your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are coming from a place of fear or empowerment can give much needed guidance to holding ourselves accountable and developing insight into our inner world. With fear, we experience avoidance, detachment, anxiety, and suppression. When we take the time to hold ourselves accountable, we empower ourselves to take control over our experience and provide it with direction.

What might be the areas of your life that could use slightly more direction? What might be stopping you from holding yourself accountable? What would change about you or need to change about you to get to a place where accountability was commonplace?

While we all have moments in time where we allow ourselves to go with the flow of life, there are times when we crave accountability or the other people in our lives crave it for us. Accountability is not just for ourselves, but dictates how we show up for the others in our lives who count on us and relate to us on a daily basis. Are we showing up for ourselves and for them in a positive way? Can we continue to strive for balance in approaching ourselves with both compassion and accountability? Maybe this can be our new normal.