What happens when emotions take over? Anger may lead to harsh comments and reactive intensity in conversation. Sadness may lead to internalization of actions from others and isolation and distancing. Grief may lead to unbearable pain and loss of control. What happens when emotions take over is different based on the experiences we have had and our learned stories about what emotions are acceptable and how we act in those moments. So, what happens when emotions take over for you? Why might that be?

Very early in life we learn how to manage our emotions. We learn from our care givers and parents which emotions are acceptable and how to express them to others by modeling. We observe and learn what we see and create associations that are meaningful to us. We learn what anger looks like, what sadness looks like and how to think and act in those moments by observation. As we get older, we also begin to observe how people respond to those emotions which gives us information on what we should do next. For example, if you cried when you were sad as a child and you experienced shame from an adult, what does that mean? What association is then made between crying and sadness? Do you continue to cry or do you find alternative ways of expressing sadness that may be more or less adaptive?

In order to learn to manage our emotions more effectively, we must first learn our family story of emotional expression. What level of emotional expression was encouraged growing up? Did you have consequences for expressing anger, sadness, or fear? How did you think or behave when faced with conflict? What was your experience of your parent or caregiver when they were upset with you? How might that manifest in your relationships and communication patterns in the present day?

By asking ourselves what we learned through observation and interaction, we allow ourselves to make conscious the unconscious. By increasing our mindfulness of these patterns, we allow space for other, more intentional, patterns to emerge. As these new patterns emerge, we give ourselves the choice to continue the old pattern or to forge a new pattern that may fit better with who we are and what kind of communication pattern we would like to have.

Along this journey we may face set back and challenges. Many times, we react with anger and frustration when we do not respond to an event with the level of patience we imagine to be appropriate. There can be shame, embarrassment, or defensiveness that emerge to protect ourselves from the judgement of our mind or others. However, in these times we expect ourselves to react in ways that we have not yet taught ourselves to be. This process includes patience, forgiveness and honesty with ourselves to deepen our insight into our patterns and create space for change. Take the time to teach yourself how to manage the emotions in new ways and watch the learning that occurs. As always, happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits you.

            The stockings have been hung by the fire with care, the sugar plums completed their dance and trees haven been taken down. Now is the time of year where resolutions are in the air. January 1^st means the setting of goals and behavioral change to many. People hit the gym, start yoga classes, take up cooking, and start the year off strong. However, many of these resolutions stay just that, a goal that wasn’t reached. Why is that?

            Part of the problem is that people often set goals to punish themselves rather than to celebrate the things that they can already do or are capable of. While anger and self-criticism can pack a powerful punch and set a fire under someone, those emotions also fade and simmer out just as quickly as they came in. When we fuel a goal out of disapproval, the accompanying self-talk is very often just as negative.

“You need to work out because you’re overweight.”

“You need to eat better because you eat like garbage.”

“You need to be calmer, you are too stressed out”

In other words, all ways of saying that you are not good enough the way that you are. Now imagine you set off to start a marathon and every mile you go people are shouting negative criticism that you will not make it. For some people that can motivate them to prove others wrong, for most people, it is just discouraging and leads to decreased motivation and further disappointment. Why would you do anything differently if you are already starting off the goal thinking you NEED to do it because you can’t do it or couldn’t do it last year? This year try something a little different.

Explore your “Why”.

Ask yourself why this change is going to benefit you and why it is important to you. Maybe you want to get healthier, feel more grounded, or increase the amount of energy you have to be able to spend more quality time with the people you love. It doesn’t have to be the most important “why” in the world as long as it is meaningful to you in some way.

Celebrate the Small Wins

Maybe you didn’t lose 10 lbs. in one day or run a marathon but maybe you drank a little bit more water and got 8 hours of sleep last night or you were able to communicate to your partner that your feelings were hurt when you normally would stay silent. Write down the wins, big or small, that were steps that you took each day to get to your bigger goal. Any amount of progress or change is worth celebrating. Once you notice all of the small changes, you start to see yourself as someone capable of change. Look at the characteristics someone needs to be able to drink a glass more of water or talk an extra 10-minute walk in the morning. Words like determined, creative, flexible, start to come to mind and describe the changes you are making.

Plan for Resistance

Behavior change is hard. There will be resistance. This does not mean that you are not capable and should end the journey towards your goal. It means that your body likes homeostasis and patterns. When we change the pattern, once the initial motivation has worn off, we are left with resistance similar to that of drying concrete. Create a plan for WHEN this happens not IF this happens.

Go Back to Your “Why”

Remind yourself of why this goal is important to you. Create goals that celebrate the life you are living or want to live rather than punish you for not being there yet.

While the New Year can be a time of motivation and change, it is also okay to take a step back from the normal way of doing things and try something different. Ask yourself what kind of support you might need from yourself and others to be able to reach this goal. Celebrate the wins that come along the journey and when things get tough, increase the supports you are allowing yourself to receive, from others and from yourself. Maybe this year can be different if you allow yourself to treat yourself differently and create change out of support and nurturance rather than anger and disappointment. Drop a comment down below and let us know goals you have and how we can support you. Happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits you!

What does trauma mean to you? Not everyone has experienced, “Trauma”, but that does not mean that their body has not experienced trauma in some way, shape, or form. When we think of trauma we often think of “Trauma” with a capital T. Big “T” traumas are tragedies, loss, assault, war, near death experiences, abuse… the list goes on and on. Those experiences create a stress response within the body and can potentially impact how someone stores their memories and how safe they feel in their environment. Those are the “better known” Traumas. But what about the small “t” traumas?

Small “t” traumas are the little ruptures that happen on a more frequent basis that build on one another to create a narrative of lack of safety and security. These smaller experiences, that are added together over time, create neural networks and learned associations in our brain. Learned associations then become our personal narratives that shape what we see as being possible in our lives. Little “t’s” can also cause a stress response and impact our perception of ourselves and our environment.

Let’s say you experience anxiety when having to meet with your boss in the work place. This is something that confuses you. You know consciously that your boss is a kind and considerate person, however the feelings of nervousness flood your body whenever you have to meet. Ask yourself, “When was the first time I felt a similar way?” Perhaps you had an experience as a young child in school where you felt shame after speaking to an adult in your life. This experience was then compounded by giving a presentation in high school where your teacher made an unkind comment in front of the class and another time in college where you were late to class and your professor called you out for it, resulting in discomfort and embarrassment. All of these events added together created a belief about yourself. What do all of these experiences say about you as a person? Perhaps your brain may come up with something along the lines of, “I am a disappointment,” or “I cannot handle pressure”. But are these beliefs true?

Many times, our brain knows consciously that these negative beliefs about ourselves are not completely true. And although our conscious thought knows that these beliefs are not 100% accurate, our body is flooded with that same discomfort as when we were standing in front of our high school class giving a presentation and feeling uncomfortable. There can be a disconnect between what our brain “knows” and what our body “feels”. Let’s explore what to do when your thoughts and feelings aren’t matching up.

Get to know your little “t” traumas. Start to understand how they limit you, empower you, and change your perspective. Ask yourself where you feel that in your body and familiarize yourself with the sensation that you notice. When you start to notice it coming up for you, ask yourself if this is a present feeling or if it is a reaction to something that happened in the past that is being activated within you currently. What does that feeling say about you? What would it mean about you if that feeling were true? Ask yourself if there is a time in your memory where you know that it was false? When you think of the time where that thought was false, what do you feel in your body? In the beginning, this can be a challenging, however, the more you familiarize yourself and develop insight into your mind, the greater choice and power you have to create change if you desire it. Explore the origin stories that come to mind when you think of the little “t’s” and give yourself the opportunity to expand if that feels good to you. Happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits you.

In our world today, there can be pressure to perform; to show up every minute of the day. At times, it can be easy to get sucked into the world of productivity, chasing perfection, and making the most of the time we have in a day to accomplish all of the tasks on our to-do list. While being productive helps us achieve goals, bring purpose and meaning into our lives, and can lead to opportunities, what does this do to our ability to be present? How do you feel when the rush of the day is no longer there? What is left?

Something I hear quite often is that people have trouble relaxing. “I just can’t relax, I don’t know what is wrong with me?” might cross the mind from time to time. This could feel like an unnerving feeling that you are forgetting something or a nagging feeling in your chest when you take time for yourself. Perhaps, it comes in the form of feeling like you can’t possibly take time for yourself because there is so much to do. Let’s explore these beliefs a little more closely and see where they came from in the first place.

What beliefs do you hold about resting?

How hard are you expected to work?

How much work is enough?

How much do you have to do to “deserve” rest?

Where, or from who, did you first hear these messages?

Do you agree with them?

Our inner working model for work ethic comes from so many different factors. The ideas of our family, co-workers, employers, friends, and significant others among many other factors influence our beliefs about work and the balance needed in our lives. Take this time to become more familiar with where your beliefs come from and what benefits or challenges those beliefs may bring about in your day to day lives. When we become more familiar with our beliefs, we gain insight that allows us to change patterns that are no longer serving us and invest in choices that feel good to us and help us maintain sustainable lives. Happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits you!

How often might you “tip- toe” around a subject because you are protecting someone’s feelings? You might elude to the true meaning of something but shy away out of fear of upsetting the other person. This can look like many different things. It can look like saying, “nothing,” when someone asks, “What is wrong?”. It can look like saying something, “isn’t a big deal,” even if it is. Vague communication leaves people wondering and having to connect the pieces in their own mind. Very often they are wrong in their connecting of the dots. There is kindness in clarity.

Clear communication. What does that mean to you? Does it mean having uncomfortable conversations with others? Does it mean being explicit about your expectations from someone or for someone? Does it mean communicating your boundaries even when the other party might not understand? What stops you from communicating clearly with others?

By communicating clearly, it takes away the guessing that the other person engages in. It takes away the mind reading that we tend to do when we do not know what another person wants from us. It reduces the overall anxiety in a relationship and builds trust in the reliability of the other person. Very often that is why we might “tip-toe”. We do not trust that the other person will hear our need and respond in a way that builds trust rather than rupture the relationship.

In order to build trusting relationships with open communication, we need to know that it is safe enough to feel vulnerable in a relationship. What might you need to see in your relationship with another to know that it is safe to be clear and vulnerable? Perhaps, this sounds a little something like consistency, time, understanding, decreased reactivity, and reliability. Are these things that you consistently put into the relationship as well? If not, what might you need to be able to give these factors to your relationship on a consistent basis.

There is clarity in kindness. However, in order to reach a state of clarity and openness, it must first be okay to be vulnerable with our clarity. Ask yourself what your relationships need to be able to support the level of vulnerability that exists in clear communication. Start to build that foundation intentionally and see where it leads. Happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits you.

Arguing can be challenging. Tension is high, listening might be low, and emotions like anger, betrayal and guilt can come forward in waves. Managing these challenging emotions is no light task, however, there are ways to make the process one that brings understanding and emotional closeness. While not every argument needs to lead to a better understanding of your partner, having some tips to follow can help make these tense moments more manageable from time to time. It’s unrealistic to never argue, but maybe you can learn to argue better.

* Identify “the problem” and avoid “kitchen sink” arguments*

            We have all been there. The moment when you realize you started the argument about whose turn it was to take out the garbage and then it led to something from 5 years ago that you truly thought you were over by now. That moment is called, “kitchen sinking,” like when you throw everything into the argument but the kitchen sink, and sometimes even the kitchen sink. We do this when we are feeling like we want to prove a point, when we want someone to really hear that something upset us, and we feel like we need evidence of times in the past when something similar has happened. It is an excuse to pull up every moment in the past that has upset us and share it with our partner. Let me tell you, there are better ways of making yourself heard. By sticking to the event that led to the argument you are more likely to resolve the issue and not bring up old wounds. Save the other issues for a later time unless they relate to how you are feeling in the moment.

*Unite against “the problem” rather than each other*

            We all have things that frustrate us in life. Some of those things exist within our relationship. Some problems are solvable and have an easy fix while others are more prominent in your relationship and will come up time and time again. Maybe you hate the way your partner has a different style of cleanliness than you. This will probably be something that comes up in routine arguments. It is a perpetual problem that is not situational but based in lifestyle differences. By uniting against “the problem” you save your partner from becoming the enemy. Instead of seeing your partner as “the problem”, see “the problem” as “the problem” and see your partner as your teammate. Unite against the problem and see what solutions come your way.

*Listen to understand rather than listening to respond*

            I will say this line over and over again. When we are communicating most of the work should be listening to what is being said, creating shared meaning and responding to what was said. We are allowed to slow down an argument an allow ourselves space to listen rather than responding with the first defensive statement that pops into our head. Allow yourself to slow down, allow yourself to listen and then respond in a way that truly describes how you feel and take the time to understand how your partner feels as well. Despite the argument, you have feelings for this person and want them to know that their thoughts are important to you. Keep that in mind throughout tense times.

*Remind yourself of the goal and stay away from the 4 horsemen*

            Dr. John Gottman discovered “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in his studies of relationship distress and success. He found that these four negative behaviors showed up more frequently in relationships that were more likely to struggle based on their communication and behavioral patterns. “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Noticing these patterns in your communication style, reminding yourself of the goal of more productive arguments, and revising these tactics can help improve emotional wellbeing within relationships and lower the intensity of negative moments.

            Not all arguments are bad. Arguments can lead to change and better understanding of the important people in your life if done in the right way. Identify some ways to have arguments that lead somewhere, other than to frustration, by trying out these tips and perception changers in your next heated moment. Small changes over time can make huge leaps in communication with others. Most people just want to feel heard and understood and making an effort to give someone else, and yourself, that experience can repair much damage over the years. Ask yourself do you want to win an argument or do you want to win your relationship? While one is short term success, the other leads to moments of growth that succeed over the years. Let me know down below your favorite way to diffuse or work through moments of tension! Happy Sunday and I hope a beautiful week awaits you!

Stress changes how we respond to a situation. If we are under significant stress, we have less patience, increased irritation, and usually poorer judgment and insight into our situation. At times the stress becomes so intense that we may become emotionally flooded and be unable to take in any more input into our inner world. When faced with such stress it can be challenging to respond with intention rather than reactivity. What can we do when we are faced with stressors that are impacting our ability to hear and connect with others?

With so many stressors being activated in the recent months and months to come, it can be challenging to manage the impact of stress and not take it out on the loved ones around you. We are all guilty of having a slip-up from time to time and having a snarky response when under duress. However, when stress starts to heavily impact your relationships with others, it may be time to look at your mood and resultant behaviors and interactions a little more closely.

In order to look at those interactions more closely, you have to realize that the stress is getting to you. This requires some insight into the impact of stress on your mood, body and relationships. Ask yourself these questions:

How do I know that I am becoming stressed?

Where do I feel stress in my body?

What is the first sign that I might not be handling my stress in the best way?

How does stress change interaction with others?

If you know you tend to have a more irritable response to others when you are stressed you have the opportunity to increase insight into that behavior and change the interaction with intention. By slowing down the response it allows you more time to be able to see the impact of stress, challenge your reaction and fight against the impact of stress on your relationships with others. On the other hand, if you tend to isolate yourself when you feel the impacts of stress, insight gives you the opportunity to take space and reconnect in a time that feels good to you rather than distancing from others for an extended period of time.

Plan ahead for interactions when you are stressed by priming your brain for interactions that might bring about a stress response from you. You are more likely to have a positive interaction if you prepare for a positive interaction and response beforehand. Ask yourself these questions:

How do I want to be in this conversation today?

What might I need from the other person today?

What might they need from me?

What is the end goal I would like to achieve?

How can I approach each interaction in way that all parties feel heard and understood?

Stress changes how we feel, act, and interact with others. It can wreak havoc on your inner world, outer world and relationships. However, with a little insight and some effort to turn things around we can always aim for more positive interactions with others. We cannot control how others show up in our world but we can control how we react and engage with them. If all else fails and we find ourselves in a moment of tension, repair work is always available in our relationships with others. Happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits you!

For the majority of people, our family system is where we begin learning our internal working model for relationships and connection with others. We develop meaning based on how responsive others are to our needs. We learn that adults are safe and reliable, we learn that our needs will not be met at times, or we learn something in between. We observe how people speak, act, engage and care for our basic needs. Over time, this forms our beliefs about the world and our place in it. We begin to learn about intensity and how to engage with conflict. In response to that, we usually develop patterns of managing conflict and other forms of anxiety. These patterns solidify over time and manifest as our family role.

Think back to your family of origin, or in other words, the family that you grew up in. How was conflict managed? Was there someone who distracted everyone from larger issues going on? Perhaps this took the form of the child who was always getting in trouble in school to distract from parental conflict or the “comedian” who developed the habit of making a joke and laughing things off during tense moments. Perhaps your role took on the appearance of mediation and you were the child who kept the peace between others. What might your role in your family of origin have looked like?

Our roles that we develop within our family of origin stem from coping skills to manage intensity, anxiety, conflict and anger. At one time in our lives these skills were essential to us. They helped us make sense of our world and environment. These are not always negative defense mechanisms and can, at times, manifest as core pieces of our personalities that make us who we are. At times, we learn beautiful patterns that follow us into adulthood and help us form meaningful connections with others. However, other times there are pieces of our family role that no longer fits with who we are or who we are around and we would like to change this pattern of interaction to fit the growth that has occurred in our lives.

By exploring the roles that we have, developing insight into how those roles manifest in our day to day lives, exploring the meaning they had to us and how they function in our relationships, we can start to be intentional with our choices and mold our family role into a role that fits who we ARE rather than who we WERE. Just because you had one role in your family of origin does not mean that the role follows you for the rest of your life. Ask yourself some questions to get a better understanding of what your role may have been and how it impacted you.

What did people in your family of origin do or say when conflict emerged?

How did you act when you felt uncomfortable?

What did your mother do when you did this? What did your father do? Your siblings?

Why was it important that you respond in this way?

Do you still do this?

Why is it important now?

What might your partner do/ feel when you respond in this way?

If you could choose how you responded now, would you still choose to respond in this way?

What would you do differently?

By developing insight into our patterns, we open ourselves up to creating space to make a choice that is intentional. It is through intention that we create change in our day to day lives. I hope today’s post brought some insight, thought, or even some fun into your day. Happy Sunday and I hope a beautiful week awaits you!

Eight months ago, we definitely did not think that we would still be here managing COVID-19 related stressors. I remember when things shut down in March in Connecticut we anticipated that it would be a two-week shut down and then back to “normal” on some level. Clearly that was not the case and now nearly 8 months later there are still people working from home, without work, managing finances, trying to manage social distancing and school. Lately, I have been noticed an increase in stress due to upcoming holidays and school changes that have everyone on their toes. Today we will explore some ways to help yourself stay grounded during a time that is anything but.

Communicate your boundaries

Boundaries can be tricky, however, add in mask wearing, social distancing, holiday plans and get togethers and it makes it challenging to know how to set boundaries that feel appropriate to you. Something that you may have been okay with in the past may not feel okay now and that is absolutely fine. Ask yourself what your rules are for social engagements and offer up alternatives for something that fits your boundaries. This can help ease some anxious feelings and help you be present. If your rule for yourself if that you only socialize with close relationships outdoors and someone asks to meet at a favorite restaurant, perhaps suggesting bringing snacks to a meet up at a local park to sit outside instead. Clarifying your rules for yourself beforehand can make it easier to know how to engage with others in ways that you feel comfortable with. Once you are clear with yourself, it allows you to be clear with others. Having conversation with others about their boundaries regarding mask wearing and social distancing can help you enjoy your time together.

Plan one week at a time

As someone who enjoys planning this is something that does not come naturally to me. In the past, planning for the future was something that felt a little more predictable. With changing school schedules, work schedules, layoffs etc. there are many changes that are making it hard to plan ahead very far. While it can help us with motivation to have something to look forward to, planning too far in advance can leave us feeling stressed and out of control. Focusing on short term plans and goals can help us stay motivated while keeping us present, and focused on what we can control.

Focus on what you can control

While there is always a decent amount of uncertainty in life, there are many aspects that feel more out of control in this time than ever before. By focusing on what we can control, we take away from of the additional stress that is optional. This frees up our energy to focus on the larger aspects of life. Look for those areas that you can simplify and that have an easy solution and get those things out of the way.

Have a morning meeting

With kids engaging in remote learning, adults working from home, individuals spending more time in the house, and so much more there are many more people using the same space for so many different things. This can be overwhelming and at times feel like there is a lack of privacy. Plan a morning meeting to get an idea of everyone’s schedule and breaks for the day. Plan times to check in with one another and talk about if you have any meetings that might be important. While this does not avoid all conflict, and is not always realistic, if you can plan to go for a run while your partner has a break in their work day to spend time with the kids and help with their math lesson and vice versa this may allow for some more organization, motivation and goal setting for the day. It can also be a nice time for connection if it becomes part of the rituals and routines of the family.

Listen to your body

This will always be on my list for managing any type of stressor. Listening to yourself and your body and responding to your needs is one of the most important skills that we can develop. Some days you will be productive and feel relatively normal and adjusted and other days may be more challenging. Listen to what you need. Get outside when you feel like you need space. Allow yourself to have an unproductive day at work because you cannot focus on another Zoom meeting. Cook your favorite meals. Do activities you love. Communicate and connect with loved ones. This time is challenging and taxing on your body. You are not alone. Listen to your body and your mind.

While these tips are not a solution by any means they may be helpful in managing various stressors that continue to come up. Let us know down below your tips and tricks or things that you have found helpful. Happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits you.

How we do anything is how we do everything. People are habitual. We very often engage with ourselves and others in ways that are familiar to us. Without conscience change, our boundaries are the same, our conversation style is similar, our routines are identifiable, and our patterns are filled with information about how we engage with ourselves and others. What is your pattern?

Do you start projects but never finish them? Do you date the same types of people? Do you find yourself starting over when thinking about your goals time and time again? Do you get comfortable and then start to go back to old habits? All of these questions represent patterns. Patterns that we can identify, explore insights into, and make conscience changes when we want to. However, before we can make changes we have to understand our patterns, the meaning that they have in our lives and how to support ourselves in making changes that feel authentic to who we are.

Understand your patterns:

How do you think, feel, and behave when things get hard? Do you back down, do you keep going, do you avoid, or do you come up with solutions to problems? Think back to a time when you faced something challenging. Explore what was happening around you. How did you respond? Are you happy with your response or are there things you would have wanted to change about how you responded to a stressor or challenge? These questions allow you to identify a pattern in your life that you may want to change or explore in more depth. Now, dig a little deeper. This pattern is meaningful to you in some way. When was the first time you engaged in this pattern? How old were you? How old is the part of you that continues to engage in this behavior? What continues that narrative in your mind? What happened as a result of these thoughts, feelings or behaviors?

Supporting ourselves:

So often we set ourselves up to fail. We expect change but do not make changes. In order to succeed in change, we have to set ourselves up for success in the ways that we can. Ask yourself, “How can I make this change easier in my life?” Listen to the thoughts you have here. If you know that you are likely to have less energy at night, plan to do important tasks in the morning time. If you know you are likely to sleep in and snooze your alarm, plan ahead the night before. Set reminders for yourself. Plan your intervention for when you start to engage in the pattern ahead of time rather than letting the pattern take control of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Much of this comes from how we engage with ourselves. We are way more likely to succeed if we communicate with ourselves in a way that sets us up for success.

Humans have great capacity for change. However, first we must develop insight into patterns, understand the place these patterns serve in our personal and environmental narratives, and take conscience steps to intervene when necessary. It is easy to let the pattern take over our conscious thought. Remind yourself that you are more than just a pattern. Explore these tips next time you find yourself to be stuck in the same cycle over and over again. Let me know in the comments down below your thoughts on this week’s post. Happy Sunday! I hope it’s a beautiful week ahead.