When Emotions Take Over

What happens when emotions take over? Anger may lead to harsh comments and reactive intensity in conversation. Sadness may lead to internalization of actions from others and isolation and distancing. Grief may lead to unbearable pain and loss of control. What happens when emotions take over is different based on the experiences we have had and our learned stories about what emotions are acceptable and how we act in those moments. So, what happens when emotions take over for you? Why might that be?

Very early in life we learn how to manage our emotions. We learn from our care givers and parents which emotions are acceptable and how to express them to others by modeling. We observe and learn what we see and create associations that are meaningful to us. We learn what anger looks like, what sadness looks like and how to think and act in those moments by observation. As we get older, we also begin to observe how people respond to those emotions which gives us information on what we should do next. For example, if you cried when you were sad as a child and you experienced shame from an adult, what does that mean? What association is then made between crying and sadness? Do you continue to cry or do you find alternative ways of expressing sadness that may be more or less adaptive?

In order to learn to manage our emotions more effectively, we must first learn our family story of emotional expression. What level of emotional expression was encouraged growing up? Did you have consequences for expressing anger, sadness, or fear? How did you think or behave when faced with conflict? What was your experience of your parent or caregiver when they were upset with you? How might that manifest in your relationships and communication patterns in the present day?

By asking ourselves what we learned through observation and interaction, we allow ourselves to make conscious the unconscious. By increasing our mindfulness of these patterns, we allow space for other, more intentional, patterns to emerge. As these new patterns emerge, we give ourselves the choice to continue the old pattern or to forge a new pattern that may fit better with who we are and what kind of communication pattern we would like to have.

Along this journey we may face set back and challenges. Many times, we react with anger and frustration when we do not respond to an event with the level of patience we imagine to be appropriate. There can be shame, embarrassment, or defensiveness that emerge to protect ourselves from the judgement of our mind or others. However, in these times we expect ourselves to react in ways that we have not yet taught ourselves to be. This process includes patience, forgiveness and honesty with ourselves to deepen our insight into our patterns and create space for change. Take the time to teach yourself how to manage the emotions in new ways and watch the learning that occurs. As always, happy Sunday! I hope a beautiful week awaits you.