Arguing can be challenging. Tension is high, listening might be low, and emotions like anger, betrayal and guilt can come forward in waves. Managing these challenging emotions is no light task, however, there are ways to make the process one that brings understanding and emotional closeness. While not every argument needs to lead to a better understanding of your partner, having some tips to follow can help make these tense moments more manageable from time to time. It’s unrealistic to never argue, but maybe you can learn to argue better.
* Identify “the problem” and avoid “kitchen sink” arguments*
We have all been there. The moment when you realize you started the argument about whose turn it was to take out the garbage and then it led to something from 5 years ago that you truly thought you were over by now. That moment is called, “kitchen sinking,” like when you throw everything into the argument but the kitchen sink, and sometimes even the kitchen sink. We do this when we are feeling like we want to prove a point, when we want someone to really hear that something upset us, and we feel like we need evidence of times in the past when something similar has happened. It is an excuse to pull up every moment in the past that has upset us and share it with our partner. Let me tell you, there are better ways of making yourself heard. By sticking to the event that led to the argument you are more likely to resolve the issue and not bring up old wounds. Save the other issues for a later time unless they relate to how you are feeling in the moment.
*Unite against “the problem” rather than each other*
We all have things that frustrate us in life. Some of those things exist within our relationship. Some problems are solvable and have an easy fix while others are more prominent in your relationship and will come up time and time again. Maybe you hate the way your partner has a different style of cleanliness than you. This will probably be something that comes up in routine arguments. It is a perpetual problem that is not situational but based in lifestyle differences. By uniting against “the problem” you save your partner from becoming the enemy. Instead of seeing your partner as “the problem”, see “the problem” as “the problem” and see your partner as your teammate. Unite against the problem and see what solutions come your way.
*Listen to understand rather than listening to respond*
I will say this line over and over again. When we are communicating most of the work should be listening to what is being said, creating shared meaning and responding to what was said. We are allowed to slow down an argument an allow ourselves space to listen rather than responding with the first defensive statement that pops into our head. Allow yourself to slow down, allow yourself to listen and then respond in a way that truly describes how you feel and take the time to understand how your partner feels as well. Despite the argument, you have feelings for this person and want them to know that their thoughts are important to you. Keep that in mind throughout tense times.
*Remind yourself of the goal and stay away from the 4 horsemen*
Dr. John Gottman discovered “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in his studies of relationship distress and success. He found that these four negative behaviors showed up more frequently in relationships that were more likely to struggle based on their communication and behavioral patterns. “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Noticing these patterns in your communication style, reminding yourself of the goal of more productive arguments, and revising these tactics can help improve emotional wellbeing within relationships and lower the intensity of negative moments.
Not all arguments are bad. Arguments can lead to change and better understanding of the important people in your life if done in the right way. Identify some ways to have arguments that lead somewhere, other than to frustration, by trying out these tips and perception changers in your next heated moment. Small changes over time can make huge leaps in communication with others. Most people just want to feel heard and understood and making an effort to give someone else, and yourself, that experience can repair much damage over the years. Ask yourself do you want to win an argument or do you want to win your relationship? While one is short term success, the other leads to moments of growth that succeed over the years. Let me know down below your favorite way to diffuse or work through moments of tension! Happy Sunday and I hope a beautiful week awaits you!
Mind-Body-Connection 