What Is Your Family Role?

For the majority of people, our family system is where we begin learning our internal working model for relationships and connection with others. We develop meaning based on how responsive others are to our needs. We learn that adults are safe and reliable, we learn that our needs will not be met at times, or we learn something in between. We observe how people speak, act, engage and care for our basic needs. Over time, this forms our beliefs about the world and our place in it. We begin to learn about intensity and how to engage with conflict. In response to that, we usually develop patterns of managing conflict and other forms of anxiety. These patterns solidify over time and manifest as our family role.

Think back to your family of origin, or in other words, the family that you grew up in. How was conflict managed? Was there someone who distracted everyone from larger issues going on? Perhaps this took the form of the child who was always getting in trouble in school to distract from parental conflict or the “comedian” who developed the habit of making a joke and laughing things off during tense moments. Perhaps your role took on the appearance of mediation and you were the child who kept the peace between others. What might your role in your family of origin have looked like?

Our roles that we develop within our family of origin stem from coping skills to manage intensity, anxiety, conflict and anger. At one time in our lives these skills were essential to us. They helped us make sense of our world and environment. These are not always negative defense mechanisms and can, at times, manifest as core pieces of our personalities that make us who we are. At times, we learn beautiful patterns that follow us into adulthood and help us form meaningful connections with others. However, other times there are pieces of our family role that no longer fits with who we are or who we are around and we would like to change this pattern of interaction to fit the growth that has occurred in our lives.

By exploring the roles that we have, developing insight into how those roles manifest in our day to day lives, exploring the meaning they had to us and how they function in our relationships, we can start to be intentional with our choices and mold our family role into a role that fits who we ARE rather than who we WERE. Just because you had one role in your family of origin does not mean that the role follows you for the rest of your life. Ask yourself some questions to get a better understanding of what your role may have been and how it impacted you.

What did people in your family of origin do or say when conflict emerged?

How did you act when you felt uncomfortable?

What did your mother do when you did this? What did your father do? Your siblings?

Why was it important that you respond in this way?

Do you still do this?

Why is it important now?

What might your partner do/ feel when you respond in this way?

If you could choose how you responded now, would you still choose to respond in this way?

What would you do differently?

By developing insight into our patterns, we open ourselves up to creating space to make a choice that is intentional. It is through intention that we create change in our day to day lives. I hope today’s post brought some insight, thought, or even some fun into your day. Happy Sunday and I hope a beautiful week awaits you!