Do You Want To Change?

The point of the therapeutic process is desired change. This change could be behavioral change, emotional change or cognitive change; however, the desired outcome is change in some way, shape, or form. Change, improvement, progress; we can name it so many different words. But is that what we really want? Do we as people really want to change?

            One thing that we know about people is that we function in systems. We have our psychological system, our family system, our community system etc. We have found various ways to organize ourselves in a way that makes sense to us. We have created a sense of belonging in our systems. These systems depend on us showing up in similar ways to continue to work in the ways in which we know them to function. When we create change, there is a shift in all of the systems at work. This shift creates discomfort. This shift is change, progress, improvement etc.

            Why, if change is what we desire, can it feel so bad? Because change is not how we know ourselves to be and how we make sense of ourselves. When we change how we react to a situation, set a boundary that challenges a relationship we have, or explore an emotion that we had once denied, we are changing our relationship to a system that already exists. It is a system that is comfortable where it is and likely wants to stay the way that it was. Simply for the reason that what we know is comfortable. It may not be what we desire, what we want, or how we envision our life; but it is comfortable.

            Then comes resistance. When we challenge a comfortable belief with something that is uncomfortable our bodies naturally resist. Or if we do not resist, we embrace that beginner’s excitement, hit the ground running, and then are faced with resistance when something becomes reality. Why is this? Because it takes time to adjust and integrate something into our systemic identity. Those new thoughts, feelings or behaviors have to be integrated into your view of yourself and your existing systems for it to feel authentic to who you are. How do I do that you might ask?

            In order to create lasting change, we have to examine the purpose and function of the old behaviors, thoughts, or feelings and understand why they might have been there in the first place. What was that habit distracting you from? What did that thought process protect you from? Why might it have been easier to deny that emotion? Understand the process. Understand what you would like to change. Acknowledge and validate that whatever was there was there for a reason. You are not broken. You are a human system that has adapted. In order to adapt to something new you have to integrate the new, preferred perspective into your identity. Don’t just hope for change; think the change, feel the change, walk the walk and talk the talk. Give yourself credit for the small steps you take. Small consistent change over time that is integrated into your identity creates long and lasting change.

            What might be some small choices you can make today that will get you closer to where you would like to be? Explore those steps this week, see what you can do to bring yourself one centimeter closer. Maybe it’s a thought, perhaps it’s a behavior, maybe it’s thinking about a behavior. It does not matter as long as you give yourself credit for adjusting the system in a small way. Most of all be patient. Change can be uncomfortable. That’s okay. It is okay to be uncomfortable. You can do hard things. Let’s make it a great week!