Why Am I So Tired, I Didn’t Leave My House?

“Why am I so tired, I didn’t even leave my house today?” This is a question I have heard many times over the last two weeks. It is a question I have asked myself as well. For some reason, the last two weeks have hit a little bit harder for myself and the people in my life. The novelty of quarantine and working from home has worn off and staring at a screen instead of human to human connection, is getting a little bit old after staring at a computer screen all day. But why am I so tired? I didn’t even leave my house today.

The current state of the world is something that we have never lived through before. Everything is new and unexpected; there is an incredible amount of uncertainty. On one hand, there are moments of gratitude. Gratitude for being able to work from home, for a full fridge, for being able to stay safe in a comfortable environment without a disproportionate amount of fear. These are thoughts I think daily. I think of how the mild loneliness and discomfort of a disrupted routine are small in comparison to challenges others might face. And while many can acknowledge these things, there is a frustration that permeates the boundaries of our minds at times.

Frustration and anger are a natural response that our body feels when faced with a lack of control. At times, we channel our lack of control and grounding into an emotion that feels charged and powerful. Anger and frustration can feel safe in times of uncertainty. It feels like something powerful when we need it most. Grief, loss and sadness on the other hand fill our hearts with helplessness, uncertainty, and fear. As a result, we reach to frustration as a natural buffer to these negative feelings. This is our way of creating safety and security for ourselves.

So, why are we so tired? We are tired because our safety and security has been shaken to varying degrees. We are tired because this is not how we imagined our spring of 2020. We are having to let go of the attachment to our imagined futures, while images of how spring was supposed to be are competing with how spring of 2020 actually is. We are working through the trauma of uncertainty that makes it nearly impossible to plan ahead and create expectations that bring peace and calming to our nervous systems. We are in overdrive.

We are in overdrive every time we look at a screen and it is a reminder of how life is “supposed” to be. We are in overdrive every time we walk past someone in a mask that our brain interprets as danger. We are in overdrive every time we try to go on as normal even though life is very much “not normal” currently. Some days the overdrive is not as bad and we are “fine”. Most days are fine. However, if that anger and frustration rears its roaring head know where it is coming from. Know your body is doing its best to make sense of a situation that it does not know, a situation it has no reference point for.

“So, what do I do about this?” you might ask. What is the antidote to trauma? Hope. Hope is banging pots and pans and cheering for healthcare workers at 7:00pm every day. Hope is celebrating National Jellybean Day even though nobody does that. Hope is looking for the good in today and tomorrow. Hope is learning to dance in the rain. Sometimes, hope is saying today was rough, and I will try again tomorrow.